Finding My True Self-Worth

Art by Ignasi Flores

O

ne of our novices shared at our regular mass the life of St Alphonsus Rodriguez. As is customary, when there is a Jesuit saint's memorial, a novice gets his turn to share his thoughts and reflections to the whole novitiate community. He shared how he was shocked to hear how a butler or a porter can become a saint.

First of all, it was already so difficult for him to become a Jesuit first. Alphonsus Rodriguez was rejected from entering the Jesuits at least two times. When he presented himself as an applicant for the priesthood at 35, he was told that he lacked the necessary education to pursue the studies leading to the priesthood.

Alphonsus did not give up. He returned to the classroom to complete his studies in Valencia, Spain. After two years of further education, he reapplied to the Society, indicating that he would be happy to be a brother if they could not accept him as a priest. Again, he was rejected because he was too old and because of his frail health. Providentially, the Jesuit Provincial overturned their decision. He permitted Alphonsus to enter, saying that “if Alphonsus were not fit to be a priest or a brother, he could enter to become a saint.”

He was finally accepted as a lay brother or a temporal coadjutor to lead a life of humble service as a doorkeeper, at the Jesuit College in Majorca, Spain. This he did faithfully until he reached the old age of 80. He welcomed each person as if he were welcoming Christ; when he heard a knock at the door, he would say, "Yo voy, señor!" "I'm coming, Lord!" This became his motto of holiness which isn’t found in grand accomplishments but in the love and intention we bring to each act.

At first, we think too little about his mission. We say he could have become like his most distinguished student, who is also a saint like him, St Peter Claver, hailed as the great “slave of slaves” in Cartagena, South America.

But let us first see that before entering the Society of Jesus, he was a broken man, broken by the harsh realities of the world. Alphonsus was sent to study at the Jesuit college at Alcala when he was about twelve but he did not complete his studies because his father suddenly died. Alphonsus was tasked to help his mother to operate the family business. He married Maria Suarez when he was 27 and they had three children but their happy life together did not last long as they died in quick succession one after another.

Not only was Alphonsus now without family but his cloth business began to decline and he was finally forced to give it up.

The young widower viewed himself as a failure and filled with internal anxiety and distress. He was on the brink of losing all sense of purpose and meaning in his life. He found himself in the shoes of Job, having lost a wife and three children, and livelihood—what could be more devastating? Thank God he sought spiritual direction from the Jesuits who had recently arrived in Segovia. They helped him find his true identity and true self-worth not based on worldly standards but only on God.

This is the reason why the very first graces, fundamental graces at that, of the Spiritual Exercises, is the grace of finding one’s true self-worth. How deep is it? Is it on achievements based on externals? Or is it something more internal, deeply spiritual? This was the struggle of Alphonsus early on. This probably was one reason the Society of Jesus was hesitant to accept him. It is a very risky stage of his adult life. A person who does not have true self-worth cannot love or serve others, let alone God. But through the grace of God, Alphonsus finally found his true self-worth and, in the most unlikely of places, at the doorway, literally. The things that give our lives meaning and value aren't distant or difficult to attain—they might be right in front of us in the small, everyday tasks and roles we fulfill. In the context of Alphonsus, he found his true self-worth in his simple role as a porter, a position that might seem insignificant to others. When he found it, it was like finding the greatest treasure so he could serve the Lord in everything and even do the most menial of jobs as a porter. Here is a quote from Pope Francis' latest Encyclical Dilexit Nos (DN 178):

Even in the most simple and ordinary things, he said, we can “steal” the Lord’s heart. “Those who would serve him acceptably must give heed not only to lofty and important matters but to things mean and little, since by both alike we may win his heart and love… I mean the acts of daily forbearance, the headache, the toothache, the heavy cold; the tiresome peculiarities of a husband or wife, the broken glass, the loss of a ring, a handkerchief, a glove; the sneer of a neighbor; the effort of going to bed early in order to rise early for prayer or communion, the little shyness some people feel in openly performing religious duties… Be sure that all these sufferings, small as they are, if accepted lovingly, are most pleasing to God’s goodness.

Finally, there is one very important twist in the life of the novice who posed the same question to himself, “What is my identity?” In his reflection on the life of the saint, he found himself in his shoes and grappled with the same question. His answer struck a major chord in me. Unlike Alphonsus, our brother novice had a different path of rediscovering his true identity. He shared that in China, there was a time when the Chinese government allowed each family to have only one child. "In my family," he said, "my parents already had one son before me. So, I never called my parents "Father" or "Mother." Last week, I had a chance to call them long distance. It was my first time to address them as I should, as Mom and Dad. My mother cried. I found my first identity, my self-worth, being my parents' son, after 25 years..."

The formula to a person's sanctity is to reconcile with one's true worth, which is surprisingly found in the ordinary. It can be found at home, just opening the door in the case of Alphonsus or reconciling with one's true home in the case of the novice. What about you, what is your true self-worth? Is it found in the exterior realities or is it interior? St Alphonsus Rodriguez, Pray for us. Amen. Fr JM Manzano SJ