Finding God Amidst Doubt and Darkness

S

even weeks before my ordination to the priesthood, 13 years ago in 2012, I experienced one of the most profound spiritual struggles of my life. During my eight-day retreat, the enemy of human nature bombarded me with lies that shook my very core. Today, I want to share three points from that experience, reflecting on how God’s grace carried me out of the abyss of doubt and into the light of His love.

1. The Reality of Spiritual Desolation: In the middle of my retreat, February 25, 2012, I encountered a deep desolation that I had never anticipated. I entitled my journal that day as "Day of Desolation." There, I wrote the grace I begged for: to see Jesus as Jesus sees me. But out of nowhere came "an overwhelming feeling of distrust and doubt towards myself. Suddenly, I became so fearful of everything. I couldn't trust even my intellect. It was a state of darkness, I could not see the light."

I thought it was just a fleeting one. But it was not. It dragged on like a free fall that brought me to doubt the three pillars of my whole life, namely, my priestly calling, my faith, and even the existence of God. The enemy whispered lies, suggesting I had fabricated my vocation and that everything I believed in was a product of my imagination.

There is one statue of St Ignatius Loyola (1733) by Camillo & Giuseppe Rusconi one of the thirty-nine statues of saints lining the nave, tribune, and transepts of St Peter’s Basilica. In his left arm, he cradles a large open book which generally represents his religious writings, especially the Spiritual Exercises. But that is not all to this sculpture. It is an image of spiritual warfare where good inevitably triumphs over evil. St Ignatius's left leg rests and pushes down on a devil and crushing him without appearing to be exerting any effort.

What is striking here is that the devil, like Ignatius, is also holding a book in his right hand which is clamped shut due to the weight of St Ignatius on top of him. This is likely a reference to St Ignatius’s very own words in the fifth rule of the discernment of spirits. For just as in consolation the good spirit guides and counsels us, so in desolation the evil spirit guides and counsels. Following his counsels we can never find the way to a right decision (SE 318).

St Ignatius warns us about how the enemy can disguise himself as an angel of light, leading us to despair by distorting the truth (SpEx 332). Spiritual desolation can strike even when we are closest to fulfilling God’s will. In just seven weeks, I would be ordained a priest but he brought this desolation to fulfill one of the three purposes that Ignatius listed. God allows desolation to occur simply as a reminder that we’re not in control of God’s grace. Like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, we may feel utterly abandoned. But we must remember: desolation is not the absence of God but an opportunity for Him to work even more profoundly in our lives. Desolation is a shorthand for delayed consolation.

2. Encountering God in Simplicity: In my darkness, on the next day of my retreat, my spiritual guide gave me one instruction: go to Quiapo Church, attend Mass, and use the Ignatian tool of “Application of the Senses.” As I observed the devotees, I was deeply moved by their simple yet profound faith. One woman, holding up her books and pens to be blessed, reminded me of the hemorrhagic woman in the Gospel who touched the tassel of Jesus' cloak. I am thankful to the consolation that I got on that day from my visit to the Black Nazarene Shrine. The Lord saved my vocation. I would not be here now if I did not meet the Lord in the Quiapo Church that day. When we feel lost or distant, God calls us to reconnect with Him through the simplicity of our senses and the witness of others’ faith. Sometimes, simply seeing Jesus in the eyes of others is what brings us back to Him.

After learning from my own experience I always encourage my retreatants to listen to Jesus's words, "Do not be afraid." When you hear this, it means, he is calling you to come closer to him to be touched by him—physically—in your contemplation. If, in your prayer, after several days, you did not feel him touching or embracing you, then that means something is blocking you. Most likely your mind is getting in the way. Contemplation must not get stuck in the intellect... All the seeing and hearing must result in a “touching” (1 Jn 1:1) (SpEx 125), a “getting [near]” to God...—Hans Urs von Balthasar.

3. The third and last point is Cardinal Pablo David's challenge not only to us Jesuits but to all the faithful. "As you probably are aware, there is a resurgence in the Church in the Philippines of what I feel are naive approaches to exorcism... I get alarmed when I hear... of priests who went to the extent of branding as instruments of the devil or even as devil-infested some popular religious objects like amulets, and practices like tawas, or even various Filipino adaptations of the Santo Niño and the Mediatrix of Lipa, as if the devil were more interested in objects than in persons. No one stands to gain from these infantile notions of devil possession except Satan himself."

Do not make rush judgments in moments of desolation. Remember that desolation is a delayed consolation. Befriend the desolation. There is no need for exorcism. Ignatius writes three interventions: 1) Do not be negligent or apathetic to the matters of the spirit. Do not be lazy, pray more! 2) Find God even amidst trials when we don’t feel consolation. God allows desolation because he wants to try us to see how much we desire to love and follow the God of consolation. 3) Finally, let go and let God; surrender! for we’re not in control of God’s grace hence, the desolation is there to serve as a reminder. Amen. Fr JM Manzano SJ